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United States Mint Office of Public Affairs 801 9th Street NW Washington, DC 20220-0001
September 6, 2007
Dear Mint,
It’s an unavoidable fact: you have to touch money to live. Whether you’re giving it to a grocery dude or taking it from a charlatan hobo, money is part of everyday life and we simply cannot live in its absence. Of course, you could hire a personal assistant to handle all your money for you, but then you run into the Catch-22 of having to eventually tip him.
What’s the problem? Money is full of disgusting little bugs scientists call “germs.” These are amoeba with tiny fangs that can kill you. Though it is unlikely to die from handling a single bill, touching too many of them can result in serious non-health.
Thus it is with the public’s safety in mind that I propose antibacterial money. By adding some sort of long-lasting antibacterial agent that says “NO!” to germs and bacteria, we can rest assured that touching money will no longer kill us and our children and dogs.
But why stop there? If we’re going to be printing “clean” money, why not make it superclean, to the point at which you can wash your face with Washingtons? I think these hygienic Hamiltons and fresh Franklins are truly what society needs. We live in a capitalist world (capitalist: a guy with money) so it only makes sense to take healthier, safer steps in money handling.
Why not contact all those scientists who talk about “germs” all day? They can probably help you devise an antibacterial substance to be embedded in the bills. Plus, they’re probably bored.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson Germified Capitalist |
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