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Hanger Orthopedic Group, Inc. December 3, 2007 Dear Hanger Orthopedic Group, I’m all about orthopedics! In fact, I’m just about a bionic man now. You can call me Bion for short. Or Kevin. Or, Bion the Kevinic Man. One time a guy called me Carl. But I corrected him. You may be wondering why I have so many orthopedics. You see, I’m a bit accident prone. In 1973 I accidentally stuck my right arm in some helicopter blades (moving) and I had to learn to write lefty. Two years’ work down the drain! In 1975 I was in the Amazonian rainforest doing some conservation work when I decided to take a nap. While I was asleep, some Brazilian logger mistook my left arm for a small deciduous tree. It hurt! In 1982 I stepped on a land mine, and boom! there goes my left leg. The same exact year, I also lost my right leg to a land mine! (It was the same land mine.) They started calling me The Incredible Human Torso. You’d think at this point I would have just given up and rolled off a bridge or something. But I have an iron will! (It was particularly difficult carving the names of my children on it.) Also, I refused to give up. A good friend of mine introduced me to prosthetic limbs and I was able to step out of my wheelchair onto the cool earth, bellow at the sun, breathe in the air, and fall on my face. (It took a while to acclimate myself.) In 1997 they installed bionic limbs on my torso. What a difference that made! I made lots of handprint turkeys to celebrate my new abilities. But in 1999 tragedy struck. I lost a ninja contest and was sliced in half. My opponent claims it was accidental but I sued him and won. With the millions of dollars I now had, I was able to complete the bionic organ payments. You should have heard that bionic organ play Bach’s “Tocatta and Fugue”! Then I paid off my bionic guts. Get this: I eat motor oil for breakfast! Here’s why I’m writing to you. My bionic left pinky toe was severed in a weed whacker tragedy. Do you make prosthetics for bionics? Do you know what the inside of a computer looks like? You know, the green board with all the little gold wires? That’s what my bionic parts look like. It’s really cool. But if you can’t make the pinky toe look like that, I will understand. Wood is good. I mean, this isn’t an emergency or anything, but people keep making fun of the way I look. “Missing toe, missing toe!” they yell. Luckily I had a punch feature installed on my bionic right arm. It has won many barroom brawls. I usually fight in bars because I remember I only drink motor oil.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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