Mr. Coffee

20 Constitution Blvd. South

Shelton, CT 06484

 

February 7, 2007

 

Dear Mr. Coffee,

 

I own a Mr. Coffee 8-Cup Thermal Programmable Coffee Maker (model TFTX85). His name is General Cappuccino. He is a five-star caffeinator and doesn’t take no for an answer, unless I unplug him, which is extremely rare as I am always in dire need of coffee. My house has no running water, because I hooked it up to a nearby coffee factory and now I use my favorite beverage to wash my hands, take a shower, wipe down the windows, etc. (Yes, I still need a coffee maker.)

 

But I’m not writing to tell you about me. I wanted to tell you about General Cappuccino. As of late, his brewing strength has decreased and I think he is a little depressed. He might take a couple minutes to turn on these days, and on occasion he has been known to make a single cup of coffee in just under an hour.


I was wondering if you manufactured a Mrs. Coffee. Maybe I could buy one and put it next to General Cappuccino, and it would cheer him up again. I want the old G.C. back, the one that would wake up at 0500 hours and make 50 cups of coffee for me.

 

General Cappuccino was the #1 coffeemaker in the U.S. Army, but he retired last year after his 1,000,000th cup. (They gave him a Congressional Medal of Honor, a Purple Heart, and a $10 gift certificate to Starbucks.) I think that after so much action in the military, leading a quiet life is a bit taxing on his mind. He needs a female counterpart to “spruce things up.” Please send me any literature you may have on Mrs. Coffee.

 

 

Sincerely,

 

Kevin Dickinson

God, customer service really sucks these days. I send them a letter asking if they sold a "Mrs. Coffee," and I receive a response ("thank you for your email") stating that they do sell this product, and I get a broken hyperlink to the product I told them I already have. There are also instructions to include the shipping fee on my check when I go to purchase it. And just for the record, I own a Melitta coffee maker. Make sure to check out the handy-dandy guide below, "What Customer Service People See." It offers a rare look into the perspective of a customer service rep, or the "C.S.Eye."

The response.

 

Your handy-dandy guide to corporate correspondence!

 

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