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ACCO Brands Corporation October 6, 2007 Dear Stapler Guys, Last week at work my coworkers and I found ourselves facing a very real dilemma. No: “work,” that fun-filled, zany place depicted in the news media is not always a picnic. Sometimes there are real live “business solutions” that need tackling. Our “business solution” was to create a giant banner. This seemingly herculean task was made relatively easy by our company’s ability to print large-scale banners on demand. You see, we are a banner-making corporation. The banner we had to make last week was a banner advertising our banners. Do you need a humongous banner? Turn to Flabbergasty’s Megarific Banner Service for all your humongous banner needs. Here was the difficult part: we didn’t know how to put the banner up. Usually we just sell them, not hang them. Usually we’re not our own client! First Jenkins suggested adhesive tape, but the banner fell right into the bushes. We were trying to hang it on the side of our building. Our boss wanted it hung on the ONE side of the building that is MADE OF STUCCO. Next we tried nails, succeeding only in the creation of Stucco Mulch™, which I plan to market early next year. Finally, I brought out the stapler. “If nails don’t work,” my grandfather used to tell me over pea pods and apple strudel, “staple away.” Usually when I staple things, though, those things are made of paper. Buildings are hard to staple, as they do not fit between the “arms” of the stapler, if you will. Thus I propose the SNAPLER, a one-armed stapler capable of stapling 3-D objects! And also, if you need to staple a really big piece of paper near the middle, you can use a snapler, as a normal stapler simply won’t work. Here is a picture of a snapler:
“Just Press It!™” I can hear the commercial now. Please invent this so people (namely me) can staple things (namely banners) to walls (namely stucco walls) quickly (by Thursday). Thanks for your time, and I look forward to telling my friends about the snapler. Only from Swingline!
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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