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Fiskars Brands, Inc. October 6, 2007 Dear Fiskars, Last month, my right arm fell off in a boating accident. I was boating way too hard. Boating to the max, if you will. I was admitted to the hospital, where they told me “No, Mr. Dickinson, for the last time, we cannot install a laser where your right arm was.” What they ended up doing was installing a wooden arm that can wave to people if I think really hard about it. I just waved at the computer screen. Hi! I am 11% more wooden now than I was before my hospital discharge. It wasn’t as traumatic as you might think, at first – having a wooden limb. I could “knock on wood” simply anywhere! But you don’t know me. I was the World Scissors Champion. I could maneuver scissors like I used to maneuver boats. “Wow! Look at Dickinson take the lead as he cuts his 18,000th sheet of paper! A new record!” the announcers would announce. Ah, the “golden years.” It wasn’t until I had to cut up a pile of junk mail that I realized the truth: wooden arms are no good with scissors. Alas, I was right-handed! I tried scissoring with my left, my sinister hand, but to no avail! Papers crinkled at the mere sight of me! I hear there are left-handed scissors out there. But that’s not good enough for me! What if an unsuspecting lefty purchases a pair of lefties only to have his left arm fall off in a tragic boating accident? Then he will have to spend more money on new scissors! That’s why you, Fiskars, can help people like me all around the world, by manufacturing SNISSORS. Snissors are a unique ambidextrous cutting device with three blades. No more “lefty” and “righty” confusion! One pair of snissors will work for everybody! Here is a picture of snissors:
My wife is a righty. I am now a lefty. And as we are forced to keep two distinct pairs of regular scissors, which are quite indistinct to the untrained eye, in the kitchen drawer, much confusion encircles our brains. Listen: as a regular Joe Schmoe, I just want to cut things without a hassle. I’ve already had the hassle of my right arm falling off while boating to the max. Please help me by making snissors. Thank you for staring at all these letters, using your cognitive abilities to turn them into words, and semantically analyzing them to create a full, comprehensive text, which I mail to you with 41 cents I am not spending on biased scissors.
Sincerely,
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