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| Based on a hilarious session at www.naafa.org. |
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Hilton Hotels March 21, 2008 Dear Hilton Hotels, Your doors are entirely too small. I still have pinch marks from the revolving one. I am what many would call a ‘corpulent’ man, though I prefer the term ‘a cornucopia of cushiness.’ I find that any establishment with normal-size doors is, by default, one that discriminates against the hopelessly rotund. I will have you know I’m an active member of NAAFA, the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, and already some of the organization’s bigwigs are ready to rally against the Hilton image if need be. I managed to get into the hotel after a labored exertion of my plentiful body through one of the automatic doors, albeit while inhaling to a dangerous degree like those teenage girls do these days to fit into their disco pants. I’ll admit right here and now that, once I was inside, I knowingly entered an elevator whose maximum weight capacity could have accommodated, for example, my leg, without serious structural trauma. Luckily she was a soundly built machine, because the turbulence during my ascent was minimal. Except for that one snapped cord. Was the chief architect for this hotel a man of less than normal stature? Because everything seems to have been built in the same proportions as the tiny-ass doors you’ve got going on in the front. I squeezed out of my room for a moment to explore the hallways for candy-bar vending machines and met an honest waiter delivering a room-service meal to my next-door neighbors. But the hallways are so lacking in width that as I advanced, the waiter had to walk backwards with his cart so I could get through. This may not seem that bad – but picture two people of my surface-area prosperity, traveling towards each other, and you get a pretty inhospitable hallway. By the way, there was a dab of chocolate on my shirt when I met the waiter. It has taken the shape of a long, brown streak down one side of your third-floor hallway between rooms 202 and 226. It is rather becoming of a once-bland atmosphere, and it wouldn’t be bad for the décor if you hired me back with some blueberry, or perhaps raspberry stains, to liven things up. But I digress. It is imperative that you install wider doorframes everywhere in your hotel. You do not hesitate to have those silly blue parking spaces for old people, so it is only fair to accommodate the richly plump as well. A caveat: my lawyer, also of my general gravity, is the VP of NAAFA. He will not hesitate to break out his attaché case.
Sincerely,
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