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Obama for America April 23, 2008 Dear Senator Obama, I was thinking about how you probably have no time to read this letter. I figured I’d make it one long run-on sentence so you could read it faster. I was going to remove all the spaces, decrease the font, and snip off the white space with scissors. Then I was going to highlight the entire page in yellow so you’d see it better. After that, I was going to rig the envelope so that when you opened it there would be fireworks, but some postal workers and police officers told me not to send explosives through the mail, because they are explosive. This whole time, though, I was puzzled as to how I should make my letter shorter so you could spend less time reading it and more time on your presidential campaign thing. I know you have a lot to do. Traveling, kissing voters, shaking hands with babies, etc. takes up a lot of your time. So it is completely understandable that you don’t want to read a really long letter that obviously could be shortened. I asked a bunch of my friends: how can I shorten my Obama letter? They all bugged me about the fireworks and didn’t give me any valid suggestions. If you can imagine fireworks, though, spelling out “Barack Obama” in the sky above you, that was my intent. Now I realize it’s better as a metaphor because if you opened the envelope towards your face, I might have to vote for Hillary. I was still thinking about the scissors and the highlighter, but my friends say highlighting is for pansies. I told them flowers are incapable of grasping highlighters due to their lack of opposable thumbs, and also brains. Besides, aren’t pansies purple? I was thinking about yellow highlighters. What if you were a regular citizen? How would you send a letter to Barack Obama? Would you do all the run-on and space-removal stuff, or would you just get to the point? I was thinking about it again, and maybe the scissors thing isn’t such a good idea. You know how really short pieces of paper tend to be the ones environmentalists hand to you, which you throw into the landfill? Then you have standard paper, which most people use. Then there’s legal paper, which is kind of long, and it’s really respectable, no matter what you put on there. You can draw Cookie Monster on legal paper and the Supreme Court might seriously look at it. So isn’t it true, then, that the longer the paper, the more serious the contents? This is why I didn’t use scissors. Theoretically, if I sent you a letter the length of a medieval scroll, would you be obligated to look at it? I mean, you might be like, “Hey! This is probably important, and may contain hidden secrets of the past.” Well, seems like I’m out of room now. Have a nice day. Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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