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| Suggestion by Caroline Babula |
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R. M. Palmer Co. February 5, 2008 Dear Palmer’s, Perhaps you shouldn’t display your address on your web site. I can find you now. I know what you people do and it disgusts me. Abhors me. It is beyond sinful and the LORD shalt not tolerate it! He watches your every move and knows where you sleep. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, and we all know your daily routine ain’t getting you into the pearly gates. Yes, I am talking about the chocolate Easter bunny manufacturing process. According to the Bible, a.k.a. the law, “And the LORD said unto them: I am risen from the grave; but lo! where are my eggs? Someone hath hidden the fruits of my chickens.” (Mark 16:32) Then our good Lord Savior Jesus Christ went on to explain that he did indeed know which came first, the chicken or the egg, but would never reveal the answer. “It is something to ponder.” (Job 3:53) Praise thee, company that makes plastic eggs! Bless thee, parents who decorate real eggs with that crayon that writes invisible until it’s soaked in dye! Ye are the inheritors of the Good Lord’s Easter tradition, and the progenitors of the sons and daughters who will continue the legacy! But be damned, Palmer’s! Damn thee in a hand-basket adorned with frilly ribbons! For you have not read Corinthians 182:99, which sayeth, “Ye who shalt disembowel the spring-hare and cover it with chocolate, shalt also make the LORD uber-angry and dismiss his forgiveness.” Further reading in the book of Larry reveals that “thy sale, malicious fellow, of cocoa-glazed rabbit-folk, to the vulgar masses, of which you elicit no remorse, is bad!” It is witchcraft! No doubt you are practicing sorcery in your factory. Away, away, witches! I banish thee to further quadrants! Hie thee hence!
May the Good Lord be with you,
Rev. Kevin Dickinson |
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