Kraft Foods, Inc.
Three Lakes Drive
Northfield, IL 60093

February 5, 2008

Dear Kraft,

As a health-conscious physicist, I was disappointed to learn that your Nabisco Fig Newtons are not endorsed by the great Sir Isaac Newton. To someone who had never heard of this supposed “cookie” (physics tests actually proved it to be a “bite-sized morsel”), the name is certainly misleading. Granted, you are not pandering to the esoteric physics crowd, but someone like me is going to think that something like “Fig Newtons” is endorsed by someone actually named Newton.

In all fairness, I surmise this lack of endorsement only by the information provided to me on the package. If you wish to come forth with Sir Newton’s delicious catch-phrase, please do so.

And what, may I add, is a fig? Sure it’s a fruit. But I thought it was a mythical fruit found only in epic poems and Christmas carols like the one that talks about “Figgie pudding.” I was trying to figure out whether the “Fig” in “Figgie” was that legendary fruit, but because of a lack of evidence I gave up. Do you manufacture Figgie pudding? If so, can you tell me what in God’s name it is made out of? None of my friends know what a Figgie is. It sounds pretty bland, though, like sorghum or rutabaga. Perhaps it fell into desuetude and disfavor after the discovery of the pear in 1952.

I found the following words inscribed on the Fig Newtons package: “When writing to us, please enclose entire bag and paper end strip, or call 1-800-NABISCO (622-4726), weekdays.” I am indeed enclosing the entire bag per your instructions, but the paper end strip has been lost to the sands of time. However, I called your corporate number and hung up as soon as I got through to a representative. This way, part of the bag and part of a phone call add up to a whole.

By the way: if the servings per container are “about 15,” this means it sometimes varies. But the weight of the package is ALWAYS 453g. I am bepuzzled and bebaffled.

Sincerely,

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