RedOctane Games
955 Benecia Ave.
Sunnyvale, CA 94085

March 25, 2008

Dear RedOctane,

I bought the original Guitar Hero game the day it came out. Five weeks prior I was already sleeping in a Playskool tent outside the store. “Move along, sir,” they’d say. “This ain’t no camping ground.” Then I would prod them with my taser and fortify my tent with electric barbed wire, C-4, and a sharpened toothbrush. I subsisted on hardtack and tap water and used a pointed rock as my pillow. Yup, I roughed it. Luckily there was enough room to store my television, although the manager of the video game store wasn’t too thrilled about the sidewalk when I packed up my tent and he saw the “basement.” He was also pretty irked about the hole I drilled in the wall so I could irrigate their electricity to watch my Saturday-morning cartoons. But hey, what’s a Guitar Hero campout without SpongeBob?

After I purchased Guitar Hero (finally!) I went home, and in the space of 72 hours became better than everyone in New Jersey, three counties of Pennsylvania, and Guam. Speaking of Guam, I’m craving some Big Red. Anyway, skip a few years, and there I am playing Guitar Hero II, and eventually Guitar Hero III. I have been undefeated since the day I picked up that guitar controller. The “skillz” to play this game are in my blood. Several laboratories have confirmed this.

A couple weeks ago I saw a flyer stapled to a telephone pole. Some guys were looking for a lead guitarist. Guess who applied? (Hint: me.) So I tell them all about my “skillz,” but because all their band equipment had washed away in a flood I was unable to actually perform. Whatever, they told me. A guitarist is a guitarist. And so I was hired.

The gig was one week later. We got up on stage with borrowed equipment and started playing. The only thing I remember before waking up in the gutter was seeing something brown, glassy, and strongly resembling a beer bottle flying towards my face. I later learned that, and I quote, “You cannot play guitar worth a pin, gentleman!” Alright, I slightly misquoted. But they used Bad Words.

APPARENTLY, playing Guitar Hero is NOT the same as playing the guitar. How was I supposed to know this? And why aren’t there five colored buttons on real guitars? I am now blind in my left eye and my pinky is really reluctant to reach the orange button these days. It’s all your fault!

Sincerely,

Kevin Dickinson

P.S. If I ever move to Egypt, will you have Sitar Hero?

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