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Environmental Defense Fund May 15, 2008 Dear Environmental Defense Fund, During a drunken argument with one of my friends, I told him I could stop global warming single-handedly. Then I hit him with a pool cue made of 100% recycled materials. We both suffered severe injuries, though mine are what you might call the “emotional” type. He’s in the hospital right now. I went to visit him and he was still in a querulous mood. “No you’re not!” he said. “That’s impossible.” I had to ask him what he was referring to because it was a week later. I decided to come up with actual methods to stop not only global warming, but also all kinds of major impending planetary crises. This is mainly to spite him, but partly to save the Earth. As for global warming, that’s an easy one: do you remember all those movies you saw about space, where the guy gets his helmet smashed and his face freezes and he dies? Well, what if we could leave the refrigerator door ajar for a while, so to speak? How about we blow a bigger hole in the ozone layer and let some of the cold from space seep into the Earth’s atmosphere. We could even install a door in the ozone layer that could act as a thermostat. Air-conditioned Earth! I also figured out how to stop species from going extinct. Forget Darwinism, people. Let’s give the threatened and endangered species Barry Manilow music. They’ll be sure to repopulate in no time. “Well what about already extinct species?” you ask. “Where’s my dodo?” Hey, did you ever see Jurassic Park? If you didn’t, they got a piece of amber with a mosquito in it, then they pricked it with a needle and dinosaurs were born. We can just find more amber from the Dodo-lithic period and revive that silly species! We can bring back mammoths, too, because they’re really cool and would probably make good pets. Speaking of endangered species, we really need to get a head start on the Masked Blifficus population. It’s been dwindling at an incredible rate ever since they installed transformers on their niche, telephone poles. All I find these days is electrocuted Masked Blifficuses on the road, and I usually don’t have my shovel with me. Hey, remember that ozone door I was talking about a while ago? What if we fitted it with a humongous magnet that sent impulses to third-world countries? We could stop genocide because all the guns would float up to the Mega Magnet. Then when the terrorists got out their forks as secondary weapons, they would also be snatched up. The only alternative to not having forks is peace, as all philosophers know. And I have an excellent alternative to wood that will keep our precious rainforests alive: tapioca. No one ever eats it, so it just congeals into a hardened mass in your refrigerator, so we can use it to build desks and houses and things instead of throwing it out. Loggers won’t lose their jobs, either, because they can work in the tapioca mines instead. I am working on a solution to possible alien intrusion, but it’s still in development. I’ll let you know (for free) when it’s fully developed.
Sincerely,
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