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Cinemark USA, Inc. January 11, 2008 Dear Cinemark, I am the guy who always gets stuck behind those people who talk through the entire movie. “Oh my god!” “Look out!” “Don’t go in there!” I’ve tried to tell many of these folks that: (a), the characters in the film are fictional entities who don’t exist, and (b) the actors portraying the characters are not in the movie screen, they’re in California. Usually the people in front of me respond with obscenities or middle-finger-type gestures. This is, of course, not your fault at all. We all deal with obnoxious moviegoers from time to time. Movie theaters also discard tons of stale popcorn every day. Are you catching on? Here’s my proposition: sell stale popcorn at a discount for use as a low-grade projectile weapon for obnoxious moviegoers. This includes, but is not limited to: loud people, people who laugh at inappropriate times, people who describe everything they see on the screen, and infants. The grade of staleness can even determine the price, as more stale kernels would make for excellent weapons. Projectile Popcorn, or PRO-POP, a.k.a. SHUT UP CORN, will be an instant hit. Everyone’s a winner, except for the losers, who will be instantly hit in the back of the head with stale popcorn. How about selling those cardboard tubes from toilet paper and paper towel rolls to help people aim their PRO-POP? You could also offer double-sided containers for regular popcorn and weapon popcorn. As far as I know, stale popcorn cannot injure or kill humans, though I have yet to test this on animals and obnoxious moviegoers. It is sure to shut them the hell up, though, and you will benefit from the additional sales. Sure, there’s a little more cleanup involved, but as they say, “without a little popcorn cleanup, people will continue to yell and scream through the movie.”
Sincerely,
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