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Discovery Communications March 28, 2010 Dear Discovery Channel, I need to be featured on your television show I Shouldn’t Be Alive. I have seen this show and remain unimpressed by all the people lost in the Amazon or attacked by sharks or stuck under a boulder and they have to eat their own arm. Trust me, my story is far edgier than anything you’ve ever heard. It starts approximately 13.7 billion years ago, at the big bang. The universe began in chaos and there is strong evidence that if anything had been even slightly different during the Planck time, I wouldn’t be alive today. The universe is a dangerous place for me: only 4 percent of its mass is complex structures (planets, galaxies, etc.), which is less than one particle per billion. The chances are well against a group of molecules coming together to form me. I could have been part of the Oort cloud past Pluto’s orbit, or the inside of a star, or nothing, which is far more likely. And what are the odds of me being born in the late 20th century, instead of in Neolithic times? I’ve reached the average Neolithic lifespan already. I would have been dead by now. And it’s a miracle I didn’t die in childbirth, or in childhood from a pernicious disease. I shouldn’t be alive. After all this, how can you feature someone on your show who was merely attacked by a Kodiak bear? Can you sleep at night after cuing dramatic music for that? Clearly my life is exemplary in its peril and extreme odds of me still being alive. I’ve survived a (potential) alligator mauling, flamingo beaking, hippo crunching, elephant stomping, jaguar shredding, boa constricting, opossum gnawing, parrot pecking, elk stabbing, rat poisoning, ram butting, and much more. The simple fact is that I could have been dead from any number of these things by now. I shouldn’t be alive, for sure. On top of all that, I’ve eaten hundreds of shish kabobs in my life. Those sticks are pointy! I could have been impaled. At the least, I could have choked on a more-than-bite-size piece of meat. And tools! There are tools everywhere. Tools can kill you. Please send me the necessary waiver, contract, and other documents so I can appear on your show I Shouldn’t Be Alive (for a thirteen-hour special). Proof that I am still alive will follow.
Sincerely,
Kevin Dickinson |
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But I don’t want to buy this show on DVD. A DVD player could kill me. If it exploded. And then I wouldn’t be alive. |
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