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America Online, Inc.
Dear AOL,
What does the “L” stand for? Online is one word, not two. We’ll get back to this later. That’s a promise, and I break my promises for no one. Anyway, I decided to write to you about a problem that has occurred recently. I’m not sure if you know this, but your company distributes a lot (pardon my French) of “Free Trial” CDs. You distribute so many, in fact, that I did not know what to do with all of them. Finally, I came up with the idea of building a new birdcage for my little friend, Rocky. I drew up many complicated blueprints (that you wouldn’t understand) and started building. After a minute or so, I had created a birdcage for my little friend. It was at this time I remembered that Rocky is a fish and a birdcage does him no good.
However, this gave me a grand idea. I myself, could live inside this birdcage. Then I got an even better idea (The first idea hurt). I could build an entire house made entirely of “Free Trial” AOL CDs! Because of the fact that I receive at least 37 in the mail every day, I knew that I had enough to build my dream home. So I set off on my quest to create a dream home. This time, an even more complicated set of blueprints were created (don’t even bother trying to decipher them). After hundreds of minutes of hard work, my home was complete. I lived in my house for exactly 23 minutes and 98 seconds before it collapsed. Luckily I was able to escape alive with only Rocky, a shoe lace, and a lava lamp. Everything else was lost in the massive wave of CDs.
Long story longer, I would like you to pay me back for the destruction of my home, for it was your company that caused it. I would also like you to build me a new home and furnish it. DO NOT furnish it with a lava lamp. I have one. Thank you.
Your Partner in Crime,
Zachary Eisen
P.S. Could you send me one of those “Free Trial” CDs that you give out? I’ve never tried AOL and I feel like maybe I should.
P.S.S. Sometimes I forget to keep my promises. |
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