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August 13, 2005
Barnes &
Noble, Inc.
Dear Dr. Barnes and Sir Noble,
The other day I decided to visit your fine establishment. Usually I come to your store with a purpose, unlike the weirdos who wander aimlessly around the book store, drink coffee in the café, and urinate in the non-fiction section. They should really be taken care of, but that is an entirely different topic.
Anyway, I am writing to you about my current situation. It is a bad situation. Why did you put me in this situation? You bad, bad, store. It all started when I was purchasing a book about how to rob book stores. It was entitled, How to Rob Book Stores and Five Other Get-Rich-Quick Schemes! After buying this classic novel, I attempted to leave the store when the detector near the exit/entrance rang out into the night! Why? I had already paid for my book at the counter with blood, sweat, tears, and $12.95!
I ran as fast as I could to get away from the police, who would surely arrive any second. Finding a drainage pipe, I hid inside it for one year and 2 months. An old woman sold me a typewriter in return for my left sock. I am using it to write this letter.
To get to the point, I would like you to call off the manhunt that is surely searching for me. Tell the detectives to close this case. Tell the drug sniffing dogs that there are no drugs, for I have already consumed them all. Please do this, I would like to go home and change my pants. Thanks!
One of your best friends,
Zachary Eisen
P.S. : I understand why you put detectors near the bathroom because you do not want people reading in there. But, I tried to bring my DVD of Sister Act II into the bathroom and the detector went off! Why? All I wanted to do was watch my movie without paying for it.
P.P.S : You should start to put the detecting stickers on the food items such as your muffins, croissants, and spam logs. Because, come on, eating in the bathroom is just disgusting. And the munching sounds from other people disturb me while I’m watching Sister Act II. |
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