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Good Zachary M. Eisen Businessman Extraordinaire
Kevin H. Dickinson, Private Eye/Exterminator
Dear Mr. and…well just Mr. Dickinson,
I came upon your website one day while searching for a company that would produce small stuffed eggplants for my business. You see, I am a businessman. I do business. Business is the way I bring in income, you see.
Now that I have gotten introductions out of the way, it is time to get down to business. Business is, you see, what I do. It has come to my attention that you write these blasphemous letters to random companies, hoping for comical responses. I regret to inform you that this must cease immediately. For, as of now, I have decided to press charges against your organization, Sincerely Insane Inc.
I would have been alright with your fake letters as long as they did not interfere with my well-being. However I have become hooked on your letters. I read them 22 and ˝ hours of the day. (I spend the other 1 and ˝ golfing or walking my pet onion.) I have not given my onion enough attention. Because of you my pet onion, Ronald McOnion, is now dead. As a business man, this pushed me over the edge.
Please respond or I will be forced to use my business connections. I am a business man, and I have the ability to cover your house in maple syrup or do other business-like things of that nature. Thank you.
Your Friend in Business,
Zachary Eisen
P.S. If you ever need the talents of an accomplished businessman, give me a call. My phone number is (856)MYPETONIONISDEAD.
P.S. My sick fascination with onions is not as weird as it sounds. Well. Yes it is.
Ronald McOnion 05/20/05 – 05/21/05
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Sincerely, Insane
September 18, 2005
Dear Mr. Eisen,
Thank you for your letter of 15 September regarding your pet onion, Ronald McOnion. I am fully aware of your situation and would like to send you my deep condolences on his recent passing from this world. However, I would like to clarify a few things for you:
(a) SincerelyInsane.com was founded on July 8, 2005. You had stated that reading my letters forced you to neglect Ronald McOnion, resulting indirectly in his death. However, at the bottom of your letter it states that Ronald died on May 21, 2005, leading me to believe that my site was not the cause of his decease. (b) SincerelyInsane.com is in no way affiliated with small stuffed eggplants, although we would like to be affiliated with them very much. It’s just that the small stuffed eggplant producers will not allow us into their private underground circle of dealers. (c) My middle initial, contrary to your belief, is not H but rather T. (d) To my own knowledge, I am neither a private eye nor an exterminator, although there was this one time when I investigated something crawling on the ground, and it was a bug, and I squished it. But that was just one time. Okay, maybe two. (e) After reaching the logical conclusion that my website did not kill Ronald McOnion, you will not be able to press charges against me because you lack a reason. Also Johnny Cochran is my lawyer. (f) I have tried to contact you at your home phone number, (856)MYPETONIONISDEAD, but your butler answered the phone numerous times, and in a female voice he told me that if I would like to make a call, to please hang up and dial again.
Again, I would like to express my sympathy for the death of your beloved pet Ronald McOnion, and I thank you for contacting me. It is always refreshing to hear from my fans.
Sincerely, Kevin Dickinson
/ktd |
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