August 4, 2005

Lycos, Inc.
100 5th Ave
Waltham, Massachusetts 02451

To Whom It May Concern:

I had a revelation the other day while I was jogging with my pet sea cucumber, Alejandro.  I bought Alejandro when my beloved dog, Tumor, was lost at sea.  We took him on a sailboat.  He did not like sailing.  He jumped ship.  Needless to say, we have not seen him since.  We searched near and far for almost 13 minutes but could not find him.

Then one day while “surfing the ‘net”, as you youngsters call it, I came upon your website http://www.lycos.com.  I could not believe my eyes!  A picture of my long lost pet was on your front page! “I can’t believe my eyes!  A picture of my long lost pet is on your front page!”, I exclaimed.  The neighbors banged on the wall and told me to “shut the hell up.”  So I did.

I believe that you have found my dog, and renamed him Lycos.  Does he have a black head, black neck, black body, black legs, and a black tail?  Does he have small black spots on his eyes called pupils?  Does he drink water and eat food?  If so, then this is definitely my dog.

Does he answer to the name Ezekiel?  If so, that is very strange because it is not his name.  He only wears a blue collar.  Blue only.  He is allergic to every other color.  Anyway, I would like you to take my dog off of your website and put him onto a truck that is delivering him to me.  DO NOT ship him to me aboard a sail boat!  If you do not send him back, I will be forced to make fun of your website with my friend Alejandro.  Yes, the sea cucumber.

Outraged at the fact that you have stolen my pet and have taken him as your own because this is very rude and it pisses me off a lot,

Zachary Eisen

P.S. Here is a picture of ol’ Tumor.  Does he bear a resemblance to the canine featured on your website?

I thought so.

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