CIA
UNITED STATES
CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY

EYES ONLY

SCROLL DOWN FOR CASE FILE
NON-CIA OPERATIVES RESTRICTED

CASE FILE #0067221-B

 

BRIEF SUMMARY. Elvis Aron Presley, a rock and roll icon of the mid 1950s, street name "The King," born January 8, 1935 in East Tupelo, Mississippi. Photo at right believed to be Mr. Presley in Phase I of his master plan. After capturing the hearts of millions, young women in particular, Mr. Presley faked his own death by hiring an obese "stunt double" to have a heart attack on the John. Years of following leads reveal that his motives were to "change the face of music forever" and to "destroy the world."

Mr. Presley's death is believed to be a cover-up for his supposed top-secret operations involving nuclear weaponry (see restricted file on "Operation Hound Dog"). Immediately following his own staged decease Mr. Presley fled to Iowa, where he was hired as a Mr. John Doe at a local McDonald's (above picture). Closer inspection of the picture (see below enlargement) reveals the supposed hiding place of his nuclear arsenal, behind the combos menu.

June 1, 2004. An undercover CIA official dressed as an obese, hamburger-loving American discovered that, in a seven-hour time period, the Sprite button on the drink dispenser was never pushed. Customers who attempted to order Sprite were taken out back and shot. It is believed that the Sprite button uncovers the nuclear arsenal. The CIA operative was later assassinated by Presley's henchmen behind the fry cooker. It is believed that the restaurant then served "McPerson burgers" for the next seven days.

October 7, 2004. A second undercover agent visits the restaurant, this time after hours. Said agent never returned. McDonald's hamburger sales double for the next seven days.
 

August 14, 2005. Presley case dubbed "Operation McKill Elvis" and given top priority.

January 20, 2006. A team of CIA operatives dressed as a family enter the restaurant in hopes of apprehending Mr. Presley. Unfortunately, the poorly coordinated dog disguise used by one of the agents led to the deaths of all five. Hamburger sales skyrocketed for weeks.

January 22, 2006. President Bush orders the CIA to rethink its "strategery" in Operation McKill Elvis. Further evidence is currently under close stipulation.

home