There are thousands of them out there. To the unprepared, they can be dangerous catalysts for automobile accidents. But this page has nothing to do with those little compact cosmetic mirrors. You know, the kind that lights up when you open it.

 

No, folks, I'm talking about roadular signs, our metallic highway friends. While I don't recommend reading and driving, I do strongly suggest you read each and every sign you pass as a precaution. After all, wouldn't you want to be informed if the road ended abruptly at a seaside cliff?

 

Just kidding. There's no sign for that. Usually you just hit the water without a warning. But don't be alarmed! Seaside cliffs are a rarity among the roadways. Also, you have to be near the sea. Most signs don't advertise such dire circumstances, anyway. The vast majority of them are pointless. Unfortunately, to determine a sign's pointlessness, you have to read it first, which is sort of tedious, but the one time you don't read a sign is the time that sign will say "SEASIDE CLIFF AHEAD".

 

Not all signs are straightforward, however (especially when the roads are curved). I wrote the following abecedarian guide for my fellow motorists who have trouble deciphering the meanings of roadular signs. I've included most of the major ones, but the list is not exhaustive. If you want to know about a sign that doesn't appear in the list, leave a comment on the NewSblog.

 

25 90-degree turns ahead. This generally denotes that you are driving on a closed-circuit square roadway, which is pretty stupid.
35 slight rights ahead. This sign denotes that you are in a NASCAR race and you have 8.75 laps remaining. But that you are driving backwards.
40 trucks. Don't worry about this one, unless you are in Montana, where everyone is required by law to drive a truck. This sign points out a potential "truffic" (truck traffic) area, where upwards of 40 trucks may be present on the nearby roadways. You are advised to ready your fake horn-pulling gesture.
Airport runway. Get off the airport runway!
AA meeting center ahead. Proceed with caution.
Approaching the White House. Be advised you may encounter heavy traffic in Washington.
Bears. While sometimes used to forewarn against bear crossings, this sign is usually found in designated picnic areas, reminding people to padlock their picnic baskets to prevent ursine intrusion.
Bison crossing. Any American can tell you that bison are extinct. The Natives traded them to Christopher Columbus for infected blankets and tri-cornered hats, then they were all shot on the Oregon Trail. Bison crossing signs, while rare, still exist in some parts of the country as an homage to that fat, hairy relative of cattle.
Blasting zone. Usually just denotes a nuclear device testing area. Nothing to worry about.
Buckle up. A common misconception is that you have to "buckle up" all the time. That is completely false. You don't have to do it until you get to this sign.
Caribou. Like the unicorn, the caribou is a mythical creature. These signs remain as artifacts of the Greek renaissance.
Caution hidden drive. Exercise caution when nailing a pedestrian and speeding away.
Caution speed bump. Slow down before driving over the bump, which will damage your car if you are traveling at a "caution speed" (upwards of 40 miles per hour).
Comet alert. You may not know this, but crashing a comet into the earth is a federal offense. Vigilant citizens of neighborhoods advertising this sign help their community by reporting instances of cometolatry and comet-summoning to the authorities.
Commercial vehicles excluded. This is the motto of the Civilian Vehicle Club, which meets bi-weekly to discuss how stupid commercial vehicles are.
Concealed firearms prohibited. Please keep them in plain sight.
Cross traffic does not stop. You have to wait until they run out of gas before crossing the road.
Dead end. You are approaching the Kevorkian Institute of Help Me Die.
Deaf child area. Because "deaf child repository," "deaf child zone," "deaf child general vicinity," and "deaf child in propinquity" don't have the same ring.
Democrat crossing. Speed, caution, and regard for pedestrians depends wholly on your political affiliation.
De Tour. This sign denotes a foreign travel agency.
Dips. This indicates a nearby dancing academy.
Do not pass. This is an illegal sign used by deviant military recruiters near high schools to increase their prospective pool of applicants.
Drive-thru massage parlor ahead. Recommended for tense drivers to prevent road rage.
Drug free, gun free school zone. The only weapons permitted past this sign are: knife, spear, bayonet, saber, light saber, heavy saber, katana, nunchucks, bo staff, scythe, throwing star, mace (spray), mace (pointy sphere), cleaver, nightstick, steel-toed boot, small bomb, large bomb, hydrogen bomb, grenade, cutlass, dagger, dirk, pocket knife, fishing hook, battle axe, regular ax, sharpened toothbrush handle, paperclip, fork, sharp spoon, tomahawk, broadsword, trident, pitchfork, club, fireplace poker, fireplace shovel, garden shovel, garden trowel, gardener's kneepad (at high velocity), halberd, leather whip, chain whip, cat o' nine tails, ruler, melon baller, flamethrower, fire extinguisher, acetylene torch, hammer, waffle hammer, meat hammer, fountain pen, letter opener, toothpick, small tree, large branch, dart, lawn dart, meteor (depends on luck), water-spraying clown flower, lead pipe, wrench, screwdriver, antlers, handcuffs, thumbcuffs, pinky cuffs, pinky toe cuffs (rare), cane, can of peas, grappling hook, taser, Tesla coil, Buddha statue, bust of Mozart, guillotine, and others (see back of sign). No drugs.
Drunken pavers. You are recommended to take an alternate route.
Duck crossing. This is called a lake. You should not be driving in it.
Elephantiasis of the butt. No, I do not know what purpose this sign serves. It is probably a practical joke. Just speed up and ignore it.
End construction. This sign is generally posted by civilians who are fed up with the increased construction traffic on their morning commute. Usually ineffective.

See: End road work.
End road work. This sign is a protest against construction on the roadways. It may be noted that both civilians and construction workers have used this sign.

See: End construction.
European appliances only. This sign has two uses: in America it denotes a plain section of drywall sans outlet, but in Europe where it is most common, it is a handy reminder to Americans that they forgot to buy an appliance converter.
Excellent suicide location. Usually accompanies a 1-800 number.
Fines higher. Higher than what, or by how much, remains a mystery until the police officer spins the Wheel of Fines!
Foreign discrimination. Without a driver's license featuring a nearby address, you are subject to a hefty fine. Currently, Congress is trying to outlaw such discriminatory signs, and expects to pass a bill by late 2042.
Full lot insult. Held on a stick by grumpy old parking-booth curmudgeons, it is a juvenile insult to potential parkers.
Giant sign. Mainly a novelty, this 12' 6" high sign requires five or six posts to support it. This gargantuan diamond, of which only three examples exist, originated as a sign-makers' joke, but is now sometimes used to block roads for construction.
Guns N' Roses WeightWatchers program. To prevent Axl Rose from eating too many donuts, his WeightWatchers advisor has placed these signs all over the country, as he tends to stray from his diet in her absence. The misspelling is a result of carelessness.
Guy digging. Ready your windshield wipers.
Handicapped stunt ahead. Optional, but recommended for the wheelchair-bound who love a good thrill. Please double-check for a mattress at the base of the cliff before attempting.
Here is a picture of a cow. It is for the amusement of motorists.
Hill blocks view. If you put a hill in front of anything, it is going to block your view. A pointless sign.
Illegal immigrant crossing. They will not stop for you, so please stop for them. They are often found swinging a small girl by the wrist.
John Deere crossing. In some states (Idaho, Montana, &c.) tractors have the right of way. Speed up really fast so you don't have to wait.
Keep diagonal. Clearly a result of sign-maker's hangover.
Keep right. An extremely hazardous sign that forces drivers to swerve immediately to their right, into ditches and guard rails if necessary, until a "Keep Left" sign is encountered (once they reach Britain).
Lamb Chop. Ever since Shari Lewis died, Lamb Chop has been running rampant. Lamb Chop signs denote possible locations, warning motorists of potential Lamb Chop crossings. Should you spot Lamb Chop, call the ASPCA immediately. Do not touch Lamb Chop, as you may contract rabies.
Left turn yield on green dot. While playing "Road Twister," this means that anyone with their left appendage on a green dot must give up the green dot to another player.
Loose gravel. In case you can't afford a whole bag, this sign indicates a market where you can buy single pieces of gravel for driveway touch-up.
Loose livestock. Indicative of a nearby market. Buy your livestock by the pound, or simply mix n' match.
Math ahead. All signs in the next five miles are written in esoteric mathematical equations, and without a quick wit you might crash off the side of a seaside cliff.
Men working. This sign is only correct 30% of the time.
Misplaced playground. Probably because of faulty blueprints, someone has built a playground on the roadway. Be particularly cautious near the see-saw, as fat kids tend to make others go flying onto windshields.
Motorcycle parking only. Near this sign, there shall be no motorcycle riding, motorcycle polishing, motorcycle revving, motorcycle construction, motorcycle deconstruction, Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, motorcycle stunts, or motorcycle painting.
Mowers ahead. Please stop and allow the mowers to cross, watching for mower babies as well (these ones blow bubbles).
Nineteenth century ahead. This sign indicates you have hit 88 miles per hour in your Delorean, and you have entered the nineteenth century. Be sure to visit the haberdasher to avoid looking like an idiot.
No diving. The roads are made of asphalt.
No dumping. Because there are no "Yes Dumping" signs.
No left arrows. Drivers found to be in possession of left arrows of any size, shape, or pointiness are subject to arrest. Hide your left arrows in a discreet body part.
No littering. Recent statistics show a growing epidemic for kitten abandonment. To combat such cruelty in the most affected areas of the country, the ASPCA has prohibited cat birth.
No loitering. This is the same as "no littering," but lettered by someone with a weird accent.
No parking for doctors. Anyone else may park beneath this sign, but doctors are strictly prohibited.
No parking for police cars. Civilians only.
No parking in driveway. No driving on parkway. No slavery on freeway.
No stopping or standing. Please keep walking to avoid sidewalk congestion. No tying shoes here.
No swimming, &c. All of these activities are permissible; this sign is merely a poorly worded safety precaution focusing on the seasonality of such activities. In other words, no swimming or wading in the ice, and no ice skating in the summer.
No thumbs up. This sign only exists in Sardinia and Greece, where the popular American gesture meaning "cool," "OK," or "I am white" actually means "screw you."
No trucks. This sign is not exclusive to 18-wheelers. It also prohibits hand trucks, toy trucks, skateboard trucks, railroad trucks, masthead trucks, Truck (the 70's pop group from Malaysia), and Trucks (the short story by Stephen King).
No turn on red. While playing "Road Twister," this means you lose your turn if the spinner lands on red.

Do not confuse: No turn on red dot.
No turn on red dot. While playing "Road Twister," this means you lose your turn if any part of you is on a red dot.

Do not confuse: No turn on red.
No (Yo)u turn. This is a sloppy result of Chinese outsourcing in the sign-making market. It denotes the inability to turn in any direction at a given intersection.
One way. This sign denotes the way your are going is indeed one way to go. There are numerous other ways as well, such as the other way. A ridiculous sign.
PED XING. Like those signs near Philadelphia that say "DEL MEM BR", this is enigmatic and its origins are unknown.
Rail crossing road. All this means is that part of the road ahead is crossed with metal rails. Just drive over them.
Rams. Just ram them back and they'll stop bothering you.
Readers in the road. Those intellectual types may wander into the roadways absorbed in math books called "Substitutional Derivatories and their Theoretical Z-Axis Integrals." Bonus points if the book and the reader go flying in different directions.
Runaway vehicles only. On most major highways there is a designated lane for teenage runaways. This sign indicates such a lane, which remains void of normal traffic so runaways can make their escape expediently.
Shopper crossing. Frequently known to cellularly communicate, shoppers crossing the road are often unaware of traffic. Proceed with caution.
Sidewalk closed. Of course it is, you're driving a car.
Slippery when wet... as most things tend to be. This is equivalent to a bridge-side sign that reads, "Dangerous When Missing."
Slow children playing. There are two possible denotations for this sign: (a) lethargic children near the roadways, and (b) mentally handicapped children near the roadways. As children usually play outside in the warm weather, and as the warm weather does not occasion winter hats, you will know when "slow children" are playing (as illustrated here).
Slow school. The politically incorrect indicator of retarded schools. Please stop for tart carts.
Something interesting. This sign isn't there for just any reason. Slow down, or stop suddenly if you wish, to observe what the kindly sign-hangers have pointed out to you. Possible items include a dead possum, a dollar, an overturned car, or even another sign worth noting.
Stop. Follow the directions, folks: stop suddenly until instructed otherwise.
Stop for pedestrian in crosswalk. Because of the singularity of this sign's nouns, you are only required to stop for one pedestrian.
Street closed. No intelligent driver will ever see this sign. However, there are certain people who plow right through the orange barriers, the construction workers, and sometimes policemen to save five seconds on their trip. These are the people who generally don't read signs, though.
Stunt ahead. Mainly a warning to anyone who forgot their helmet, or who is not Evel Knievel. Usually left behind by a negligent propmaster for a stunt movie.
Superfluous arrow. Bored sign-hangers sometimes place this under other signs. It denotes nothing. Ignore it.
Survey work ahead. Immediately after passing this sign, it is recommended you slow down and survey the road work, making sure the laborers are still swinging their hammers. This is done as a preventive measure so workers do not become distracted.
Tar pit. You thought these didn't exist anymore, didn't you? Let's see how Mr. Encyclopedia fares when he ignores this sign.
The dumbest sign ever. Just the fact that it's a roadular sign makes it stupid.
There's a guy walking. Unless he crosses the street (which is rare) you can just ignore this guy, who is probably one of those really old dudes who half-jogs, half-walks, and still listens to a cassette player.
They are not done building this street. Please don't drive on it. If it's too late, you've probably sunken into the wet asphalt already.
Turn on your defroster. A seasonal sign indicative of icy conditions.
Two hour parking. To prevent parking lot congestion, sometimes motorists are required to stay put for a certain amount of time. Always keep a good book in your glove compartment.
Uneven lanes. This denotes you are driving along the San Andreas fault.
Urination prohibited. Seriously, we shouldn't even need a sign for this. Keep your zipper up until you get to the gas station.
Watch for rocks. Placed near particularly interesting examples of igneous or sedimentary rock by the American Geological Institute as an on-the-go educational experience.
Watch out for Jet Skis. Sometimes Jet Ski operators overshoot jumps and land on the road. Be especially careful of people named Jetsky driving Jet Skis.
Weight limit: people. Some small islands can only hold 10 tons of people before they sink. This sign, accompanying a digital scale, is endemic to island bridges.
Weight limit: trucks. Certain large vehicles are subject to weight limits, measured in talents (1 talent = 0.255 centners). U-Haul trucks cannot weigh more than 15 talents; disconnected trucks 25 talents; and trucks pulling small train cars 30 talents. Violators are subject to fines, and any truck pulling a small train car is subject to police investigation.
Wrong way. This sign is a practical joke commonly set up by teenagers with hoodies. There is no possible way that a sign can be intelligent enough to know where you're going and how you want to get there, especially because there are always multiple routes.
Yield. I have contacted 89 sign historians, signologists, and signophiles, and not one of them can tell me what the hell a "yield" is. My best guess is that in times of war, one may remove the sign and use it as a shield, yield probably being an Old English spelling, though I have not confirmed this and the securely fastened bolts on the backside render this theory weak at best.
You are driving in a circle. Quit it.